How can children be involved?

Funerals or a scattering of ashes ceremony in a special place, are an important way for adults to say goodbye to a loved one. Children grieve too and may also benefit from the chance to remember loved ones or say goodbye. It can help them express their grief and share it with others.

How children grieve

The way that children grieve depends largely upon their age. Every child is different, but in general, the older a child, the more they will understand what death is and the finality of the event. Child Bereavement UK provides some useful information on how children grieve, tailored to each age group.

Babies : Babies will have no sense of what dying and death means but there will be a sense of missing.

Toddlers and young children (up to 6 years) : Toddlers and young children live in a magical world. They don’t understand death and its finality and concepts like ‘never’ and ‘always’. When talking about dying, death and funerals, it’s important to be honest and open. Younger children tend to take things literally, and euphemisms like ‘he’s gone to sleep’, or ‘she went on a journey’ might result in children being afraid of going to bed, or on a holiday. Instead, use plain language that they understand and be factual. For example: ‘Grandad is dead. His body is no longer working. He doesn’t need food and does not feel pain’.

A celebrant is able to help you find the best way involve your children in the preparation and ceremony of your loved one’s funeral.

Primary school age (7-12 years) : Children in this age group understand what death is and realise that it’s finite. They can be given the choice to attend. Explain what is going to happen and tell them that they can take time to decide and that they can change their mind. Discuss their questions and concerns.

Ways that children can be included

Educational psychologist, John Holland, who has done research on children, grief and funerals, concludes that “a funeral is a family rite of passage and important in the grieving process.” When it comes to children, he suggests “Don’t force them, but it’s important for children to feel involved. The golden rule is to explain what it’s about, in terms they can understand – and give them the choice.”

Do what feels right for you and them. Here are some tips on including children:

• Prepare them. You can tell a child what’s going to happen at the funeral so they have some idea of what to expect. This will include explaining about the dead person and their body. Try to find your own words for this which fit in with your beliefs.

• Explain words. There are many strange words associated with funerals (eg ‘funeral’, ‘coffin’, ‘cemetery’, ‘crematorium’, ‘hearse’, ‘funeral director’) and children appreciate having these explained in simple terms.

• Give them a choice. You might want to protect the child by keeping them away from the funeral. But later in life children often express disappointment that they weren’t even given the choice to attend.

• Allow them to contribute to the ceremony. There are different ways that children can contribute. They could help choose music and flowers, or put a drawing on top of the coffin. I have compiled a list below for consideration.

• Provide support. Have someone such as a favourite aunt or uncle sit with them who can leave the service with them if it gets too much. They need a special place for them at this time. This takes the pressure off you if you’re also organising the funeral.

• Help them understand. You may want to help the child separate the person they knew from the body being buried or cremated. Depending on the child’s age you could tell them that the body of whoever has died doesn’t work anymore. It can no longer breathe, move, eat, speak or think. It can’t be mended and won’t do the things it used to do – but it won’t feel hurt, cold or pain anymore, either.

• Have an alternative ceremony. If the child doesn’t want to go, is there something you could do together at home to celebrate the person’s memory? This could be planting a tree or placing a garden ornament in their memory.

It may also seem difficult for you to have a child around when you have to cope with your own feelings of loss. Having someone else there to support them can help.

For further advice on telling children about funerals - Child Bereavement UK , Childhood Bereavement Network and Winston’s Wish have useful information.

How can children be involved during a funeral?

There are many creative ways for children to be involved in the ceremony. As parents, it is up to you what you think is most appropriate and most meaningful. A celebrant is able to help you involve your children in the preparation and ceremony of your loved one’s funeral.

Ideas for younger children:

• Blowing bubbles

• Releasing balloons

• Laying a flower on the coffin

• Making a drawing

Ideas for older children:

• Share memories: read on their behalf or ask them to read themselves

• Lighting a candle

• Read a poem or a story

• Write a letter or poem, or make a drawing; and put it in the coffin

• Help choose music, or, if they are older, play an instrument

• Help choose the reading or flowers

• Help decorate the coffin (drawing, flowers, post-its, bunting, etc)

• Make drawing for the order of service sheet

• Create a memory box from a shoe box for funeral guests

• Help decorate a memorial photo montage

• Taking flowers to the grave

• Being involved in the scattering of the ashes at a later date

• Making memory jars with special objects or pictures

• Releasing balloons

• Making a folder or book from the best condolence cards or those written by guests at the funeral

• Giving them something precious from the person who has died

Remembering the person and saying goodbye

As well as the arrangements and the funeral itself, it is still possible to find ways to remember the person and continue to say goodbye. Ideas could include contributing to a memorial webpage for the person who died.

It can also involve taking flowers to the grave or being involved in the scattering of the ashes at a later date. Birthdays and anniversaries are important times to mark, and young people can enjoy being involved in deciding how to remember the person who has died.

Final thoughts

Children are wise, resilient and very creative. They might surprise you positively with their views on death and their ideas for a funeral. Including them in a funeral will not only help them in their grieving process - it will also help everyone else to see the beauty, hope and light that life, even in death, brings.